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Last night, I had a brilliant idea.  I would wake up and do the Lotte Berk Method, getting all loose.  Then I would try some walk-running, or run-walking.

At 4 a.m., when I woke up, it still sounded pretty good.  I was excited!  Maybe I could get back into running after a month off.

I put the exercise DVD on and did the warm up.  I stretched my legs and back a bit.  Then I put on my raingear and attached the music and headed out, hope in my heart.  A gibbous moon shone brightly between wispy clouds. I walked to the end of my street and crossed the intersecting street.  I started running.  Three steps in, I knew it wasn’t going to work.  I turned back home.  Foiled again.

Frustrated, I did a hodge podge workout with jumping rope, kettlebells and such, making sure to stretch well at the end.

I cannot hurry this recovery, much as I would like to.  It is humbling and frustrating and annoying.  I want to run again. I feel like I’m being punished for bad sportsmanship or double dribbling. It’s very humbling. “Surrender, Dorothy!”  I guess maybe God needs to write it in the sky for me after all.  Sigh.  Not that I would be able to *see* it, what with it being overcast and all.  But you get the point.

I have to look at all the things I can do.  I can still walk – though not far.  walking is supposed to be good for this type of injury but all I find is that it hurts like hell.  I am healthy in all other respects.  I can still function normally, even though it feels like my soul has been cut out and left in a dumpster.

It’s a matter of perspective.  Nobody wants to be around someone who is moping or feeling sorry for themselves, least of all me.  I need to celebrate where I am right now. I’ve been holding onto this “toy”, a.k.a. my body, thinking that I can make it better.  I should probably take my own advice.  All I can do is enjoy the journey and keep on stretching; I can’t make my back heal any faster. It’s simply not in my purview.  To be fair, I hurt much less than I used to.  I am hardly on any medication at all and don’t need a heating pad constantly attached to me like a removable hunch.  Uncle, already!

Can I learn to be grateful even now?  Stay tuned.

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