With all that’s going on in my life these days, it seems a theme has emerged. I like themes!
Here’s a picture of what I’m experiencing.
I can see, harking back to 2010, the way circumstances have pushed me out of my comfort zone into new arenas – running, writing, cooking, working. If I hadn’t followed that still, small voice, would I have taken the chances I have? I suppose to most people I seem pretty tame. I’m not a flamboyant personality. I don’t really stand out in a crowd. But moving away from what I know and what I know I can do constitutes risk, at least for me.
It started to become clear to me as I walked today. Yes, I still miss running, but it was good to be out in the chilly February air. The sun shone. The sky gleamed azure. Buds are starting to appear on the magnolia tree downtown. It’s a transition time. Winter is losing its chilly grip, day by day. The days are getting longer. The nights are not so deep and gloomy.
In 2010, I set out to run 3 half marathons. I would turn 40 that year. I trained for them, and I did them. I quit my job in the church office the end of that year as well, looking for more time at home with Ruby before she started school, and possibly other career opportunities in the future. I started to dream about writing. I actively sought purpose. I started to learn a little about contentment and peace. I’m a restless person, generally. I’m bored easily. I need something to get up for in the morning, a goal, a dream.
But I think boredom gets a bad reputation. It’s getting to the end of ourselves. Being bored at home and sorta desperate for something to keep me occupied got me into seeking out other people. It got me volunteering a little at Ruby’s school. I got a part-time job at Harmony Hill, which ended as quickly as it started. I realized I needed people almost as much as I needed time to myself. I got a chance to deepen some friendships and pursue new ones. I started this blog.
Now, I can see how things have transpired to get me to this point. So, I am learning to trust. That’s the theme. I’m not good at it. A teacher would probably give me a C- or a D+ in this department. I have a tendency to eat anxiety for breakfast. In fact, if it were up to me, I would take care of everything myself. But that’s not how God designed people. Trusting is inherent in a relationship with Christ. We simply can’t do or control it all. It’s part of the makeup of a childlike faith. My kids don’t worry about bills, food, gas in the car, nothing. They know someone else (usually me) is on top of that. And I am. But whom do *I* trust? Am I fully leaning on God the Father for everything? I’m learning. God is so gracious to take us through these lessons. He doesn’t ram them at us. No. It’s one at a time, day by day, line upon line.
As I am literally a bit hobbled by this back injury, God is doing some inner healing. I’m letting go of my death grip on this life. I’ve been symbolically running away from something deep down that’s needed His touch. I see a glimpse of it, a fragment. I know I’m on the path. I’m willing now to bring it into the light. It’s not so easy to shove it back down. I’m willing to be made whole from the inside out. I’m learning to trust.