All About Feet

bare feet

I have never liked feet. But baby feet are okay.  They’re cute, with tiny, curly little toes.  A perfect nail crowns each one.  And everything is fine and dandy until you have to clip those toenails and your baby screams and cries, tiny feet as wiggly as minnows.  I’ve known plenty of parents who wait until their kids are asleep, then bite them off.  Seriously.

Wait.  Was that you?  Sorry.  Another overshare.  My bad.

Feet are strange.  The whole five toes thing gives feet and hands the benefit of symmetry and balance.  But toes all look different from each other.  I mean, it’s like they’re a family; they have some similar features – callouses, nail beds, knuckles and the like.  But on their own they are…odd.  They could be the monster in a horror movie.  Put a little face on them – or maybe just eyes – and presto!  Some of us have enormous big toe knuckles.  Some have toenails that grow downward, into the toe, and need to be checked regularly.  I have those and so the kids have them, too.  In my mom’s family, we have points on the bottoms of our toes.  Like we used to be cats in an alternate universe or something.  Whatever.

I am not a fan of flip flops, formerly thongs.  Too much foot  showing and no support.  I especially don’t like the little part that slips between your first and second toes.  It chafes.  And flip flops are uber casual.  They’re like, “Dude!  I had to put shoes on to get some milk.  So repressive.”  They are the lowest acceptable limit on the “No shoes, no shirt, no service” seen decades ago at finer eating establishments. It was always right next to the “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” sign.  I always wondered at that.  Really?  You turn away good paying customers?  I would.  Well, I might.  If I didn’t like their feet.

Flip flops have been all the rage for years now.  You can get them in any color or pattern.  They seem to be year-round foot coverings in our neck of the woods.  They come in very flat, leather, platform, bejeweled and even recycled materials.  Do I want to wear someone’s recycled flip flops?  Definitely not. I would rather walk barefoot through a broken-glass encrusted parking lot. Okay, I would probably hop on what foot, but you get the idea.

Feet do have some fun features.  On the upside for feet, I think painted toenails are great.  I guess it’s kinda like putting a ballgown on your feet, only with more exposure.  Unless you’re Jennifer Lopez.  I am creeped out by great horny toenails that resemble talons.  No.  No.  Put socks on, for goodness’ sakes!  Homey don’t play that.  At least keep them clipped, people!

Feet are the beasts of burden of the body.  They take a beating with us running and walking and standing around all day, every day.  Treat your feet with care and kindness. But remember:   Feet are to be used, not necessarily seen.  They are useful but not beautiful.

And that’s alright with me.

This public service message brought to you by me.


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