Jonathon and I had an interesting discussion last night. I’m not very good at just “being”. I’m much better at doing.
We sat on our
purple plum-colored couch and discussed it.
“Sue,” he said, looking at me, all kindness, “what if this is just who you are? You need goals, you need something to strive for. It’s how you’re made. ”
I liked the idea but found it hard to fathom, given Christianity’s bent to “let go and let God” loosely paraphrasing Psalm 26:10. A good, scriptural sentiment, I might add, but one I consistently stink at adhering to. I also know getting hurt caused me to stop dreaming, at least for awhile.
“Why can’t I just be at peace? Why do I have to be moving on something?” I grumbled. I should mention the context of this conversation started with me figuring out how to lose about 8 lbs.
I thought back through my life before I got married and considered. I liked to be challenged. I liked taking the hard classes. I liked the reading. I liked critical thinking. I liked writing. I hated math, but I liked the way it made me think differently. I am trying consistently to use a bigger weight in kettlebells class. And you all know of my struggles to run farther, if my back/hip will let me.
It appears that perhaps I am made this way. I’m a little ashamed to admit it and that it’s taken me so long to figure it out. Seriously. I’m in my fourth decade, people! I did have some inkling of this as my life unfolded. I do know I like to check off boxes and I like to accomplish things. I considered this part of my administrative side. I’ve also considered it a weakness, that I’m too “achievement” oriented, something our faith frowns upon.
I don’t mean to speak negatively of Christianity, but sometimes the way people live it out can be downright constricting. I had a narrow view of what I could do and how I could glorify God. No more. Now, I want to be all God created me to be. It might mean I don’t ever become a pastor or a missionary or an evangelist. I wanted to be one of those things so badly in my younger years. It would tie up the loose end of my Bible college degree. It would help my life make more sense, I thought.
But it’s not God’s plan, at least not right now. I’m fine with that.
I’m watching Zac get into homeschooling. He, too, likes checking the boxes, dotting the “I”s and crossing the “T”s. He is hellbent on finishing every single assignment. Right now, he’s smiling a satisfied smile and watching TV, his work all done for the day. Maybe it’s not such a bad quality after all. It’s time to get after it.