Six months ago, Mom died. Two years ago, we travelled to Wisconsin to celebrate my in-laws’ 50th wedding anniversary. Last summer, we went to Wisconsin again for Jonathon’s mom’s memorial. So many memories swirl. I’m having a hard time settling, thinking about it all. Time, friends, passes. The pain starts to ebb. Yet it doesn’t go away completely, it seems. It may never be gone.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to get the hang of this PM thing. The work is not steady. Some days, 8 hours seems like a small eternity. Other days the time flies by. I’m so used to punching a clock and showing up. But sometimes that’s counterproductive. I can’t make things happen, much to my chagrin. I was under the (mistaken) impression that being in charge of a project would mean I got to pull all the strings. I could finally nudge/drag the project along and see steady progress. Don’t laugh too loudly. Let’s just say that has not been the case.
I’ve also been contemplating Covid and how it hasn’t really hit our area like others. Unfortunately, this makes it seem like we’re getting punished for other people’s troubles, like keeping the entire class in at recess because of one kid’s transgressions. This, too, feels like a purgatory.
As I ran today, I considered living with uncertainty. Have I run farther or faster? No! I’ve just been holding on here, too. Sigh. The in-between and the not-knowing are my personal un-favorite places. I’m a yes or no person. The middle frustrates me. Make a decision, already!
But this place, this ‘where am I?’ country serves a purpose. God works here. We learn to trust. We let go of our agenda and seek His, because we can’t make anything happen. We might have wee tantrums (ahem!) and cry a bit. We might need naps. Toddlers do, you know. Even prophets take naps. Look at Elijah.
Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”
Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!” He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again. (I Kings 19:4-6)
Now, the context is not the same. I’m not running from an evil queen who is bent on my destruction. But the discouragement he felt was exhausting. He felt hopeless and alone. Sound familiar? So, he rested AND he ate. Just saying.
This might be a tough season for you, as everyone is in the midst of this pandemic. How long will it last? Will it ever end? There is only One who knows. Lean. Rest. Trust, and for goodness sakes’, eat. God has not changed and He is here for you.