I’ve had some encounters this week with someone I used to know. This person has no idea the effect they have on me. They punch holes in the bucket of my self-worth. No, dear reader, it’s not you. Truly.
While I was putting on mascara yesterday morning, I struggled. Some gals will get this. You apply mascara to one eye, carefully. It feathers out reluctantly and leaves chunks on your once-clean lashes. Gah! Then you move to the other eye. Back and forth you go, trying to even out your eyes so you don’t blink with tarantulas all day. Wait! The left eye has a weird smudge. Awesome. Finally, you’re mostly even. But now you look like this.
But I digress.
This person I mentioned once let me know what they really think of me, including that I can’t write. I’ve never forgotten. But it seems they have. They are kind and cordial when they see me. Nice, even. But the memory of that previous encounter remains. Oh, I know I need to forgive. That’s mandatory. And I have. But the feeling persists.
Needless to say, I avoid this person. Don’t want to see them or talk to them. I’ve had to talk to them more times than I’d like over the last several months. I can’t seem to reconcile this newly solicitous person with the other person who humiliated me publicly and privately on a regular basis. The two halves don’t form any kind of recognizable whole.
I mentioned the Bambi effect because I think trying to make sense out of how this person treats me is rather pointless. I’ve gone back and forth, trying to “even out” their behavior and put it in some kind of perspective to make sense of it all. Yet I don’t know their motivations or though process. They certainly will never share that with me, even if they knew, which I seriously question. The good news is that I don’t have to see or talk to them regularly. We don’t move in the same circles or keep any kind of similar schedule. I don’t worry about running into them at the library or Safeway. Not going to happen.
What to do? I find that I have to let the poison of their presence leach out of my system. Time and changing my thought patterns help. Laughter. Spending time with family and friends. Worshiping. Actively finding blessings in the now and speaking my gratitude to Jesus does wonders as well. Those things patch the bucket and get the focus off myself.
I also remember they don’t get the last word on who I am. God does.
I’m choosing joy today.
If Godfor us who can – Romans 8:31